Naomi was disobedient. She was whining and complaining and nagging while I finished cleaning a nasty shelf and locating enough cocoa to make the cake work. I get it, she didn’t want to sit there while I cleaned a shelf with nothing to do. So, she fidgeted with the cocoa container.
Me: ‘Put it down.’
Naomi: ‘I’m so sorry’.
Immediately I know the lid came off. Quickly I realize that there is cocoa everywhere. All over the stove, the whole oven front, the floor, covering Naomi’s lap…
I don’t want this moment to go out into the e-verse and live in infamy forever, but I do want to take an opportunity to vent because writing it all down might offer some clarity–for me.
So, in utter frustration I lay into Naomi with all the bits and pieces that she broke me with and how her disobedience is like saying with her actions, ‘I am smarter than you, I know better’. blah. blah. blah. I probably don’t give her enough credit for what she’s capable of doing on her own. But, the cocoa is gone, and my interest in making cake along with it. Will I still do it? Yes. Will I still try to include Naomi? I fear not.
I love her with all my heart. Like her? At moments that’s a different story. Sometimes I wish I were her aunt so I could really enjoy her, or an unbiased teacher; then I could take a step back and see her beauty and fun and not think about how I’m going to have to help her ‘work’ on things to be all she has the potential of being. Sometimes I wish she were just visiting so I could step out of our day-to-day routine and just focus on having a good time with her–not fret about the laundry I need to get done, the insurance agent I need to call, the baby who needs a new diaper, the shelf that won’t get cleaned of by itself.
In this flurry of anger and dismay the stories of the scripture about the wrath of God towards His people, the idea that there have been moments when the survival of humanity was questionable really stand out to me. But, there’s forgiveness.
So, to be a good mother how do I forgive her as I should? How do I let her back into cake-making with me? Or, should I? Should the consequence of her disobedience be to sit this one out? Like the Israelites and that first generation who didn’t get into the Promised Land? Whether she is repentant or not, she committed the crime and needs to do the time, right? But, I WANTED to do it with her and it is hurtful that now I have to go it alone, and with the ‘incident’ in the back of my mind all the while. In writing that I think about the depth a little. She hurt me more than with the disobedience, now we BOTH have to suffer through the punishment.
Anyway, it does help me to write this down. And, I’ll probably actually post it because it’s likely that you’ve had a similar experience and you’ll have wise words to share. In advance, Thanks.